So here goes....

...everything!

I have started blogs so many times.  Each time I try to project an image of myself.  One that I think, at the time, is the most authentic me.  And each time I look at the title and realize, well, that's what I want people to think I'm like.  I want people to think I'm the most patient mom.  I want people to think I'm the epitome of serenity in the face of absolutely anything.  But I'm not those things.  Not always.  I lose it with my kids and feel horrible about it.  I can sometimes feel so full of fear that I'm literally almost worried sick. 

What keeps coming up for me is this - I don't know that I'm completely honest about how I feel with anyone.  Not even my husband from whom I keep absolutely no secrets.  I believes this comes from being a life-long introvert.  My default is to internalize.  For some odd reason keeping my emotions shackled inside my gut feels more natural than expressing them and feeling connected.  What the heck is that? 

So this blog is a step out of that for me.  It's going to at once be torture and blissfully liberating to push "publish" at the end of each post. 

Rightnow I have an image in my head of riding to the top of a roller coaster (which I've never done), about to plunge down. 

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!